Coming out of a relationship you feel like you will never love again. That person was your whole world and you opened up to them and shared your deepest sentiments. Love is such a weird concept to me. You open yourself up to someone not knowing if they are in your future. Your first love teaches you so many things, but for many that love never lasts. That, I think is what scares me the most. You love people and you let down your walls and share this raw information and of things don’t work out and y’all depart ways, there is this person out there that knows you and will always have that information about you. Coming from the rocky relationship that I did it taught me many things. I thought that that was how love was supposed to be and I truly believed that would be who I was ti marry one day. I am extremely thankful that God opened my eyes. Leaving it I never thought I would find someone that lived up to my now higher standards. Entering college single was a great thing though because it has really allowed me to find myself and realize what I want. It helped me figure out what I liked and didn’t like. Being patient isn’t always easy but when you give time a chance to do its thing the things you never expect to happen in life, do. I encourage you to go out of your typical “type” because the person you least expect to sweep you off your feet is waiting there. I am not sure what the future holds but I hope that it has him in it. I can sense the connection between us and I feel as if he is going to be the one to show me what real love is all about. Not perfect but real. Know the difference. The fact that we have so many things in common scares me because it makes me like him that much more. Often we don’t understand in the moment why we are being put through something. Trusting in GOD has been one of the best things I could have ever done and lately the Lord has been showing me blessings on blessings. I do not know where this is going, but I hope that I can trust again and let down my guard. All of this was to say that you can’t hold on to things God wants you to let go of. Doing so only hurts you more. I learned this the hard way but as soon as I realized, I started to live. I realized that God was going to find send someone one thousand times better. I have to trust that if this is God’s plan He will work it out and I know that He will take care of the situation.
We have to stop living our lives through social media. I feel like since social media took off we have become the obsessed social media generation and I absolutely hate it. We have to post everything we do onto a social media platform or its not official. It didn’t happen. We are so caught up in capturing the moment for social media, we are forgetting to live the moment. Be there. experience it. We are forgetting reality. I am just as guilty for it to. Also, the thing is though that people put what they want to on social media to make it seem like their lives are so amazing. At times their life may be doing great but it is not always going to be happy. You then have these people who post 17584884 photos a day or a week of themselves and claim to be happy and “natural” etc. This puts such a false reality in to the younger generations minds. No one wakes up flawless; sorry Beyonce. This angers me because you have these people, mainly girls, post things and use filters but claim they are looking like that 24/7 and I am sorry but that is not reality. We have to stop envying people through what we see on social media. I can tell you from experience that the photos that you see of that couple and the photos you see of the boyfriend who “adores” his girlfriend. They are not always true. You never know what is going on behind closed doors. That “Happy” couple really fights all the time and is an abusive situation. That boyfriend that loves his girlfriend and is so lucky to have her cheats on her constantly and hides it. Plays her over and over again. I am in no way saying that all photos are lies, but don’t always believe everything you see. Don’t trick yourself into believing that people are leading these perfect lives. I have been there, on both sides. I have been the couple posting pictures about an amazing relationship but in reality I was miserable and I have been the person envying relationships on social media only to find out one member of that couple cheats and lies, or is abusive to the other. It is sad. I just want to remind everyone it is okay to just live in the moment and not post everything instantaneously. It is okay to be alone and learn to love yourself. I am working each day to improve myself.
So many people I know are getting married and having babies and they are my age. I am happy for them, but at the same time I do not understand the rush to have a family and settle down so early. You have so much life ahead of you and so much living to do. If you settle now, you are going to miss out on things. I understand things can happen and God can send angels unexpectedly but I don’t understand people who put themselves in positions they shouldn’t be in at this age. You haven’t established yourself yet. I guess I just believe in independence and I couldn’t fathom bringing another person into the world, one that I am responsible for, and I don’t even have my own shit together. I don’t want to have to rely on family to always help me or put myself in a situation where I am living paycheck to paycheck trying to feed me and my family. I would much rather get my career going and live life and experience things before I settle down and have kids. I am not saying that your life stops when you have children, but you definitely have to grow up and start thinking more like a parent rather than a 20 something year old college student. In your twenties you should be traveling, making memories with your girlfriends, and going out on weekends. People find their soulmates at different times, but if you are young what is the rush in getting married so early.If they really love you they will wait until you are a graduate have a few degrees under your belt before starting life together. So many people I feel like are so in a hurry to be parents and be tied down and I am sorry but I feel they miss out on so much stuff. So much Freedom. What is here now will be there later if it is meant to be. I don’t know I guess people are different. I have a different mindset I guess.
Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into this dark hole and I feel so sad and so… I don’t know. It’s a feeling where I know I should be happy because my life is really good right now. I have some of the greatest people around me, a great supportive family and I know that everything is going to be okay. I can not help but to want to cry though and I just can’t shake the feeling. I am happy but at the same time sadness is lingering in the back of my mind and my heart aches. I hate this and I hate that I feel alone and left out. I hate that when I know I should be happy I can’t be. I can be so filled with joy and hope for the future and sometimes, like now, I feel as though I am failing at life, at love, and at being a good person.
One thing I struggle with is is the fact that I am a great person, or I feel like I am a great person and girl. Yet, I am not the one being asked to formals, out on dates, or for my phone number. I constantly am getting comments from people saying ” you’re intimidating” or ” you are the whole package so guys are afraid of you.” This is so frustrating to me to hear all the time. It doesn’t make any sense. I get it the easy girls are going to get the most attention because they are putting out. I understand that not all attention from guys is good attention, but when good, genuine girls are getting asked and have guys on their arms and you continually don’t it truly starts to take a toll on you and makes you think what am I doing wrong? I know that patience is the key. I know that but when you are so frustrated at something it doesn’t help that you constantly see people happy with each other and you can’t help but wonder when your time is. When is your person going to show up? When are you going to stop wasting you time on someone to only find out he is a Fuckboy? The truth is I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being strong. Tired of feeling like I am not good enough for anyone. Most of all I am tired of people constantly asking me ” Do you have a boyfriend yet?” I am tired of people telling me that when the time is right it will happen. I’m so over waiting. I’m scared that I am going to end up alone when all I’ve ever wanted was to raise a family. I know I am still young. I get that. I just wish that I too could find someone to relate with on another level. Life isn’t fair. It is the farthest from it an I hate it. I get that one day I will understand why I had to go through all of this. I understand that there is someone out there for me, but today I can’t take the thought of being alone anymore. Today I am weak. Sometimes you need to breakdown to become strong again. I guess that day is today.
It is hard sometimes to look back a realize how much you have been through and in hindsight think of all the things you would have done differently or would have changed. That choice you made to sleep with that guy you knew you shouldn’t have, that “friend” you continued to take back after she back stabbed you a billion times, that ex you allowed to break you down over and over again. It angers me knowing that I let these people get the best of me and for them to take advantage of my kindness and leave me looking like a fool. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be had I not encountered such people or made certain decisions. To that one guy, you know who you are. The one who used his charm to draw me in. You made me believe you “Saw” me the real me and made me believe that you liked me for more reasons than what I had to offer. In all honesty, I can’t blame you. I made the decision to give in to you. I made the choice to make myself vulnerable to you. I can only look back today to that night and all those times you tried to get my attention, especially when I would began to linger away from you and devote my attention to better things. I look back and think how and what if I had decided to be stronger than my hormones what and where would we be? I realize though that we would more than likely be in the same boat of you randomly contacting me when you want and talking to me when we happen to be at the same place at the same time but never giving me what I deserve. I hope one day you grow up and realize when you have a good girl in front of you. I hope you become a man and stop playing so many women just because you know you can. To the ex that broke me down and broke my heart over and over, Why did I allow you to walk over me? why did I allow you to degrade me, beat me down with your words, and make me feel worthless for anyone to ever want? I thought I knew what love was but that was not love. I think back to everything and realize that I should of got out of that situation so much sooner than I did. You constantly disrespected me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. I gave you everything and you allowed me to be empty while you gave me nothing in return. I can’t say that I regret crossing paths with you because at one point I really did love you and you loved me, but I missed out on so many opportunities and memories because I was all about you. My senior prom, yea some say that is the best night of your life well guess what? you ruined that for me. You allowed me to believe over and over that you wanted to be with me. Not many people stay with their high school sweethearts and I am glad I didn’t. I want to thank you for making me realize just how amazing I am and how much I truly deserve from someone. I deserve so much better than what you had to offer. Thank you for making me realize what I can and can’t do in a relationship. Thank you for making me realize that if someone wants to call you and hang out with you and make time for you they will and if they don’t , they do not have interest in you. Lastly, to the friend who back stabbed me, there isn’t much for me to say to you other than I am glad we grew a part after college. I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends in college and you are not deserving of my friendship. I was there for you and when I needed you you were never there. Our friendship was rocky from the start so I guess I should of known. Overall, in life, you live and you have to realize you go through situations and you cross paths with people for a reason. You are learning a hard lesson that sometimes you wish you could go without learning but in hindsight learning that lesson made you a better and stronger person. I remind myself of this everyday. You lose people to gain better people. You go through situations so that you can realize your worth.
My whole life I have had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them and letting them in before they proved to be worthy of my friendship. I have always had a heart for others, I guess that is why I am becoming a nurse. Many times I have been hurt by people because of the fact that I let people in instead of putting up my guard. Sometimes I wish I was different and that people weren’t so evil and out to take advantage of others. It is very hard to trust people these days because many are selfish and will do anything for personal gain, even if it means throwing you under the bus to get there. It is hard for me to grasp and understand how people can be so hateful and out to hurt others. Sometimes having a good heart has many cons and often times you are left being hurt by those you thought would never doubt you. Loyalty is a very important word in this generation. Often times many are not loyal; in relationships or friendships. Many days I find myself thinking to myself ” why do you do it?” ” why put yourself through this pain?” I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. No matter how hard I try I will always be the same caring person. It hurts knowing that I ‘ll give way more in this life than I ‘ll ever receive, but you know what I am okay with that. I ma okay with knowing that even though someone has wronged me, I have made someone’s day a better one because of my kindness. I try to be mindful of the battles that people fight everyday that I am unaware of. In my opinion, there is just not enough room in the heart for hate. I ‘ll stay looking for the angel inside of all the demons. I truly believe that looking back on life down the road I will not regret befriending others.
You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.
I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen. I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.