My whole life I have had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them and letting them in before they proved to be worthy of my friendship. I have always had a heart for others, I guess that is why I am becoming a nurse. Many times I have been hurt by people because of the fact that I let people in instead of putting up my guard. Sometimes I wish I was different and that people weren’t so evil and out to take advantage of others. It is very hard to trust people these days because many are selfish and will do anything for personal gain, even if it means throwing you under the bus to get there. It is hard for me to grasp and understand how people can be so hateful and out to hurt others. Sometimes having a good heart has many cons and often times you are left being hurt by those you thought would never doubt you. Loyalty is a very important word in this generation. Often times many are not loyal; in relationships or friendships. Many days I find myself thinking to myself ” why do you do it?” ” why put yourself through this pain?” I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. No matter how hard I try I will always be the same caring person. It hurts knowing that I ‘ll give way more in this life than I ‘ll ever receive, but you know what I am okay with that. I ma okay with knowing that even though someone has wronged me, I have made someone’s day a better one because of my kindness. I try to be mindful of the battles that people fight everyday that I am unaware of. In my opinion, there is just not enough room in the heart for hate. I ‘ll stay looking for the angel inside of all the demons. I truly believe that looking back on life down the road I will not regret befriending others.
You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.
I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen. I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.