One thing I struggle with is is the fact that I am a great person, or I feel like I am a great person and girl. Yet, I am not the one being asked to formals, out on dates, or for my phone number. I constantly am getting comments from people saying ” you’re intimidating” or ” you are the whole package so guys are afraid of you.” This is so frustrating to me to hear all the time. It doesn’t make any sense. I get it the easy girls are going to get the most attention because they are putting out. I understand that not all attention from guys is good attention, but when good, genuine girls are getting asked and have guys on their arms and you continually don’t it truly starts to take a toll on you and makes you think what am I doing wrong? I know that patience is the key. I know that but when you are so frustrated at something it doesn’t help that you constantly see people happy with each other and you can’t help but wonder when your time is. When is your person going to show up? When are you going to stop wasting you time on someone to only find out he is a Fuckboy? The truth is I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being strong. Tired of feeling like I am not good enough for anyone. Most of all I am tired of people constantly asking me ” Do you have a boyfriend yet?” I am tired of people telling me that when the time is right it will happen. I’m so over waiting. I’m scared that I am going to end up alone when all I’ve ever wanted was to raise a family. I know I am still young. I get that. I just wish that I too could find someone to relate with on another level. Life isn’t fair. It is the farthest from it an I hate it. I get that one day I will understand why I had to go through all of this. I understand that there is someone out there for me, but today I can’t take the thought of being alone anymore. Today I am weak. Sometimes you need to breakdown to become strong again. I guess that day is today.
It is hard sometimes to look back a realize how much you have been through and in hindsight think of all the things you would have done differently or would have changed. That choice you made to sleep with that guy you knew you shouldn’t have, that “friend” you continued to take back after she back stabbed you a billion times, that ex you allowed to break you down over and over again. It angers me knowing that I let these people get the best of me and for them to take advantage of my kindness and leave me looking like a fool. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be had I not encountered such people or made certain decisions. To that one guy, you know who you are. The one who used his charm to draw me in. You made me believe you “Saw” me the real me and made me believe that you liked me for more reasons than what I had to offer. In all honesty, I can’t blame you. I made the decision to give in to you. I made the choice to make myself vulnerable to you. I can only look back today to that night and all those times you tried to get my attention, especially when I would began to linger away from you and devote my attention to better things. I look back and think how and what if I had decided to be stronger than my hormones what and where would we be? I realize though that we would more than likely be in the same boat of you randomly contacting me when you want and talking to me when we happen to be at the same place at the same time but never giving me what I deserve. I hope one day you grow up and realize when you have a good girl in front of you. I hope you become a man and stop playing so many women just because you know you can. To the ex that broke me down and broke my heart over and over, Why did I allow you to walk over me? why did I allow you to degrade me, beat me down with your words, and make me feel worthless for anyone to ever want? I thought I knew what love was but that was not love. I think back to everything and realize that I should of got out of that situation so much sooner than I did. You constantly disrespected me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. I gave you everything and you allowed me to be empty while you gave me nothing in return. I can’t say that I regret crossing paths with you because at one point I really did love you and you loved me, but I missed out on so many opportunities and memories because I was all about you. My senior prom, yea some say that is the best night of your life well guess what? you ruined that for me. You allowed me to believe over and over that you wanted to be with me. Not many people stay with their high school sweethearts and I am glad I didn’t. I want to thank you for making me realize just how amazing I am and how much I truly deserve from someone. I deserve so much better than what you had to offer. Thank you for making me realize what I can and can’t do in a relationship. Thank you for making me realize that if someone wants to call you and hang out with you and make time for you they will and if they don’t , they do not have interest in you. Lastly, to the friend who back stabbed me, there isn’t much for me to say to you other than I am glad we grew a part after college. I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends in college and you are not deserving of my friendship. I was there for you and when I needed you you were never there. Our friendship was rocky from the start so I guess I should of known. Overall, in life, you live and you have to realize you go through situations and you cross paths with people for a reason. You are learning a hard lesson that sometimes you wish you could go without learning but in hindsight learning that lesson made you a better and stronger person. I remind myself of this everyday. You lose people to gain better people. You go through situations so that you can realize your worth.