Thoughts…

My whole life I have had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them and letting them in before they proved to be worthy of my friendship. I have always had a heart for others, I guess that is why I am becoming a nurse. Many times I have been hurt by people because of the fact that I let people in instead of putting up my guard. Sometimes I wish I was different and that people weren’t so evil and out to take advantage of others. It is very hard to trust people these days because many are selfish and will do anything for personal gain, even if it means throwing you under the bus to get there. It is hard for me to grasp and understand how people can be so hateful and out to hurt others. Sometimes having a good heart has many cons and often times you are left being hurt by those you thought would never doubt you. Loyalty is a very important word in this generation. Often times many are not loyal; in relationships or friendships. Many days I find myself thinking to myself ” why do you do it?” ” why put yourself through this pain?” I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. No matter how hard I try I will always be the same caring person. It hurts knowing that I ‘ll give way more in this life than I ‘ll ever receive, but you know what I am okay with that. I ma okay with knowing that even though someone has wronged me, I have made someone’s day a better one because of my kindness. I try to be mindful of the battles that people fight everyday that I am unaware of. In my opinion, there is just not enough room in the heart for hate. I ‘ll stay looking for the angel inside of all the demons. I truly believe that looking back on life down the road I will not regret befriending others.

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Poetry Chronicles

You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.

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“I was a Museum full of art, but you had your eyes closed.”

I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes  I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen.  I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.

This Generation of Love

To be a girl with high standards and morals, like myself, in this generation is extremely difficult. The sad thing is you can not blame just one sex for this either. On one hand, you have girls who will do anything, say anything, and give into anything if it means she doesn’t have to be alone. I have seen time and time again, girls give guys the benefits before they actually perform the work. They then wonder why the guy will not respect them or treat them right. You then have some guys who think every girl is easy and that at the snap of their fingers a girl will climb in bed with them and that, quite frankly, is the saddest thing. The there are girls who have standards and morals who get pushed to the side because like why would a guy want to work for something they can easily get from the next girl who is willing to put out? It is a neverending cycle. You can not put all the blame on the guys either. You have these good, genuine guys who really want a good loyal girl, but they get played by a girl and that makes them change their ways and become like the guy that I described above. Drake describes the males and females of this generation in his song, Doing It Wrong, perfectly ” We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together, but we sure make it feel like we’re together.” In this day and age, we have invented a stage called “talking” and it basically is a time where you “get to know” each other and decide if they are potentially what you want to pursue. Often times though individuals, girl or guy, will string someone along without any intention of moving forward with them, all the while they are entertain others. This, in my opinion, is a waste of time and is so very wrong. My thing is, is if you don’t want to move forward with someone, LET THEM KNOW. Don’t just lead them on or worse don’t just disappear out of nowhere with no explanation what so ever. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Like dang, I don’t even deserve an explanation at the least? For all of these reasons, I am single. I choose to not allow myself to lower my standards so that a guy will want to be with me. In my mind, it doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way. A guy would and should work for something he wants. Sometimes, I become very frustrated at the patience I must endure waiting for the right guy. Girls should want date someone they see potential in and with. Why waste time being with someone when you know you are with them just because you don’t want to be alone? Like, just no. This generation is so caught up in things like “Netflix and Chill” they don’t want morals to get in their way. It’s hard to be a girl with morals and standards in a generation filled with individuals who could care less what their reputation looks like. I know not everyone is like that, but the ones who are, they are the ones ruining it for the rest of us. I will patiently wait for the right one. I know what I deserve and I refuse to settle for anything less. You should too.

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 4: Things You Want To Say To An Ex

If I was ever given the chance to talk to my ex again, I’d first start by apologizing. Not because I think the ending of the relationship was all my fault but that I now realize that there were some things that I could have changed to have been a better girlfriend. I’d also apologize for bad mouthing him during the process of healing. My ex-boyfriend was by no means perfect and he didn’t treat me as he should have, but he was not horrible either. I did have some great memories with him as well. I’d apologize for all the things I said in anger and the things I said during fights to put him down. I regret that so much.

Another thing I would tell him was that even though I am over him and don’t think I’d ever date him again, I miss him so much. I miss him as a person, as my best friend. Before we dated we were SUCH great friends. We would spend so much time together and he would make me laugh for hours. He was so sweet and despite our differences in the relationship he was a really great friend. I miss that friendship so much. Having a guy’s perspective on things and being comfortable with telling him anything and everything. I miss Friday nights after football games where the football players and the cheerleaders would go for pizza and hang out. It was the best of times.

If given the chance I would tell him to keep his head up and stay motivated because he could seriously do anything he put his mind to and it would be a shame to have that ambition wasted. I would tell him to not be discouraged by the world who constantly tells young adults they will amount to nothing if they don’t conform to the mold society cut out for us. I would make sure he knew that I hope he was doing well and continues to do so. I’d hope he would know that no matter what he would always have a place in my heart as my first love, my first everything. You just can’t forget those, even if you try. Lastly, I would let him know that despite everything that has gone on between us in the past if he EVER needed someone, a friend, I’d be there for him as best I could. We went through a lot of things as a couple and we stuck by each others sides. Differences pulled us apart, but I really do hope that one day we can be at least friends again.

I’d let him know that he is always in my prayers and that I wish nothing but the Best for him.