“I was a Museum full of art, but you had your eyes closed.”

I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes  I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen.  I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.

This Generation of Love

To be a girl with high standards and morals, like myself, in this generation is extremely difficult. The sad thing is you can not blame just one sex for this either. On one hand, you have girls who will do anything, say anything, and give into anything if it means she doesn’t have to be alone. I have seen time and time again, girls give guys the benefits before they actually perform the work. They then wonder why the guy will not respect them or treat them right. You then have some guys who think every girl is easy and that at the snap of their fingers a girl will climb in bed with them and that, quite frankly, is the saddest thing. The there are girls who have standards and morals who get pushed to the side because like why would a guy want to work for something they can easily get from the next girl who is willing to put out? It is a neverending cycle. You can not put all the blame on the guys either. You have these good, genuine guys who really want a good loyal girl, but they get played by a girl and that makes them change their ways and become like the guy that I described above. Drake describes the males and females of this generation in his song, Doing It Wrong, perfectly ” We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together, but we sure make it feel like we’re together.” In this day and age, we have invented a stage called “talking” and it basically is a time where you “get to know” each other and decide if they are potentially what you want to pursue. Often times though individuals, girl or guy, will string someone along without any intention of moving forward with them, all the while they are entertain others. This, in my opinion, is a waste of time and is so very wrong. My thing is, is if you don’t want to move forward with someone, LET THEM KNOW. Don’t just lead them on or worse don’t just disappear out of nowhere with no explanation what so ever. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Like dang, I don’t even deserve an explanation at the least? For all of these reasons, I am single. I choose to not allow myself to lower my standards so that a guy will want to be with me. In my mind, it doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way. A guy would and should work for something he wants. Sometimes, I become very frustrated at the patience I must endure waiting for the right guy. Girls should want date someone they see potential in and with. Why waste time being with someone when you know you are with them just because you don’t want to be alone? Like, just no. This generation is so caught up in things like “Netflix and Chill” they don’t want morals to get in their way. It’s hard to be a girl with morals and standards in a generation filled with individuals who could care less what their reputation looks like. I know not everyone is like that, but the ones who are, they are the ones ruining it for the rest of us. I will patiently wait for the right one. I know what I deserve and I refuse to settle for anything less. You should too.

“One of the Hardest Things to do in Life, is Having to Let go of what you Thought was Real.”

I know what it is like to be head over heels in love for someone.I know what it is like to be so in love for someone you forget what it’s like to be yourself. I what it’s like knowing you would do anything, be anything just at the thought of making that person happy. When I was younger, I ALWAYS told myself I would NEVER let a guy cause me tears. That all changes when you find your first love. You feel as if they are the only person in the world that could ever make you happy. Every young girl thinks they will forever remain with this guy that is many, many times just a chapter in their book of life. Often times what you don’t realize is one day, you are going to wake up and things will be different.They won’t look at you the same. They won’t love you the same. They won’t act the same.They won’t be interested anymore. Things will become different. No matter how bad you want to believe that things aren’t different or how many times you want to lie to yourself to make yourself stay, things aren’t going to get any better. I know everyone must go through a heartbreak at one point in life or another, but it is nothing like experiencing it for yourself. Going through a heartbreak is like literal physical pain, it hurts. It hurts. Every day you just want to return back to the person you were pre-relationship and no matter what anyone tells you nothing seems to make the pain subside. I seriously don’t wish a heartbreak on my worst enemy. Now that my heart is healing and it doesn’t hurt to hear his name or see his face anymore. It feels good to know that I find myself realizing I haven’t thought about him once in months, that is a sign that it has passed and I am moving on and it feels so great. Now that I know what it feels like to be broken I try my hardest to help those experiencing it. I try to let them know that in time all wounds will be healed. I know that no words help, but I just want them to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I am out of the relationship I can now see how unhealthy it was for me. Even though he never physically hurt me he hurt me in so many other ways. He did not treat me how I should have been treated and He definitely did not treat me how I would want my husband to treat me. God gave us a lesson on love and how love should feel and what love should look like and often times we get so caught up in a relationship we forget that. If you are constantly having to wonder if someone loves you or wants to be with you, you are definitely in the wrong relationship. I questioned my morals and I made decisions I otherwise would not have made had I not been in a relationship. i can’t dwell on mistakes, but can only learn that God crossed my path with my ex so that I could see the wrong person and be ready for the right person He is going to send to me. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. God is so good and He will never steer you wrong. Trust in Him and He will always take care of you. So if you are currently in a bad relationship, going through a heartbreak, or feeling like there is no way to move forward, know that in time you will see that God is looking after you. He will not leave you. Continue to pray for guidance, especially in relationships. It is better to have room in your relationship for God so that the Devil doesn’t make way and end it with divorce. Unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way, but now I know. With God, all things will work out in the right timing with the right people.