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It is hard sometimes to look back a realize how much you have been through and in hindsight think of all the things you would have done differently or would have changed. That choice you made to sleep with that guy you knew you shouldn’t have, that “friend” you continued to take back after she back stabbed you a billion times, that ex you allowed to break you down over and over again. It angers me knowing that I let these people get the best of me and for them to take advantage of my kindness and leave me looking like a fool. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be had I not encountered such people or made certain decisions. To that one guy, you know who you are. The one who used his charm to draw me in. You made me believe you “Saw” me the real me and made me believe that you liked me for more reasons than what I had to offer. In all honesty, I can’t blame you. I made the decision to give in to you. I made the choice to make myself vulnerable to you. I can only look back today to that night and all those times you tried to get my attention, especially when I would began to linger away from you and devote my attention to better things. I look back and think how and what if I had decided to be stronger than my hormones what and where would we be? I realize  though that we would more than likely be in the same boat of you randomly contacting me when you want and talking to me when we happen to be at the same place at the same time but never giving me what I deserve. I hope one day you grow up and realize when you have a good girl in front of you. I hope you become a man and stop playing so many women just because you know you can. To the ex that broke me down and broke my heart over and over, Why did I allow you to walk over me? why did I allow you to degrade me, beat me down with your words, and make me feel worthless for anyone to ever want? I thought I knew what love was but that was not love. I think back to everything and realize that I should of got out of that situation so much sooner than I did. You constantly disrespected me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. I gave you everything and you allowed me to be empty while you gave me nothing in return. I can’t say that I regret crossing paths with you because at one point I really did love you and you loved me, but I missed out on so many opportunities and memories because I was all about you. My senior prom, yea some say that is the best night of your life well guess what? you ruined that for me. You allowed me to believe over and over that you wanted to be with me. Not many people stay with their high school sweethearts and I am glad I didn’t. I want to thank you for making me realize just how amazing I am and how much I truly deserve from someone. I deserve so much better than what you had to offer. Thank you for making me realize what I can and can’t do in a relationship. Thank you for making me realize that if someone wants to call you and hang out with you and make time for you they will and if they don’t , they do not have interest in you. Lastly, to the friend who back stabbed me, there isn’t much for me to say to you other than I am glad we grew a part after college. I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends in college and you are not deserving of my friendship. I was there for you and when I needed you you were never there. Our friendship was rocky from the start so I guess I should of known. Overall, in life, you live and you have to realize you go through situations and you cross paths with people for a reason. You are learning a hard lesson that sometimes you wish you could go without learning but in hindsight learning that lesson made you a better and stronger person. I remind myself of this everyday. You lose people to gain better people. You go through situations so that you can realize your worth.

Thoughts…

My whole life I have had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them and letting them in before they proved to be worthy of my friendship. I have always had a heart for others, I guess that is why I am becoming a nurse. Many times I have been hurt by people because of the fact that I let people in instead of putting up my guard. Sometimes I wish I was different and that people weren’t so evil and out to take advantage of others. It is very hard to trust people these days because many are selfish and will do anything for personal gain, even if it means throwing you under the bus to get there. It is hard for me to grasp and understand how people can be so hateful and out to hurt others. Sometimes having a good heart has many cons and often times you are left being hurt by those you thought would never doubt you. Loyalty is a very important word in this generation. Often times many are not loyal; in relationships or friendships. Many days I find myself thinking to myself ” why do you do it?” ” why put yourself through this pain?” I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. No matter how hard I try I will always be the same caring person. It hurts knowing that I ‘ll give way more in this life than I ‘ll ever receive, but you know what I am okay with that. I ma okay with knowing that even though someone has wronged me, I have made someone’s day a better one because of my kindness. I try to be mindful of the battles that people fight everyday that I am unaware of. In my opinion, there is just not enough room in the heart for hate. I ‘ll stay looking for the angel inside of all the demons. I truly believe that looking back on life down the road I will not regret befriending others.

“I was a Museum full of art, but you had your eyes closed.”

I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes  I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen.  I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 4: Things You Want To Say To An Ex

If I was ever given the chance to talk to my ex again, I’d first start by apologizing. Not because I think the ending of the relationship was all my fault but that I now realize that there were some things that I could have changed to have been a better girlfriend. I’d also apologize for bad mouthing him during the process of healing. My ex-boyfriend was by no means perfect and he didn’t treat me as he should have, but he was not horrible either. I did have some great memories with him as well. I’d apologize for all the things I said in anger and the things I said during fights to put him down. I regret that so much.

Another thing I would tell him was that even though I am over him and don’t think I’d ever date him again, I miss him so much. I miss him as a person, as my best friend. Before we dated we were SUCH great friends. We would spend so much time together and he would make me laugh for hours. He was so sweet and despite our differences in the relationship he was a really great friend. I miss that friendship so much. Having a guy’s perspective on things and being comfortable with telling him anything and everything. I miss Friday nights after football games where the football players and the cheerleaders would go for pizza and hang out. It was the best of times.

If given the chance I would tell him to keep his head up and stay motivated because he could seriously do anything he put his mind to and it would be a shame to have that ambition wasted. I would tell him to not be discouraged by the world who constantly tells young adults they will amount to nothing if they don’t conform to the mold society cut out for us. I would make sure he knew that I hope he was doing well and continues to do so. I’d hope he would know that no matter what he would always have a place in my heart as my first love, my first everything. You just can’t forget those, even if you try. Lastly, I would let him know that despite everything that has gone on between us in the past if he EVER needed someone, a friend, I’d be there for him as best I could. We went through a lot of things as a couple and we stuck by each others sides. Differences pulled us apart, but I really do hope that one day we can be at least friends again.

I’d let him know that he is always in my prayers and that I wish nothing but the Best for him.

“One of the Hardest Things to do in Life, is Having to Let go of what you Thought was Real.”

I know what it is like to be head over heels in love for someone.I know what it is like to be so in love for someone you forget what it’s like to be yourself. I what it’s like knowing you would do anything, be anything just at the thought of making that person happy. When I was younger, I ALWAYS told myself I would NEVER let a guy cause me tears. That all changes when you find your first love. You feel as if they are the only person in the world that could ever make you happy. Every young girl thinks they will forever remain with this guy that is many, many times just a chapter in their book of life. Often times what you don’t realize is one day, you are going to wake up and things will be different.They won’t look at you the same. They won’t love you the same. They won’t act the same.They won’t be interested anymore. Things will become different. No matter how bad you want to believe that things aren’t different or how many times you want to lie to yourself to make yourself stay, things aren’t going to get any better. I know everyone must go through a heartbreak at one point in life or another, but it is nothing like experiencing it for yourself. Going through a heartbreak is like literal physical pain, it hurts. It hurts. Every day you just want to return back to the person you were pre-relationship and no matter what anyone tells you nothing seems to make the pain subside. I seriously don’t wish a heartbreak on my worst enemy. Now that my heart is healing and it doesn’t hurt to hear his name or see his face anymore. It feels good to know that I find myself realizing I haven’t thought about him once in months, that is a sign that it has passed and I am moving on and it feels so great. Now that I know what it feels like to be broken I try my hardest to help those experiencing it. I try to let them know that in time all wounds will be healed. I know that no words help, but I just want them to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I am out of the relationship I can now see how unhealthy it was for me. Even though he never physically hurt me he hurt me in so many other ways. He did not treat me how I should have been treated and He definitely did not treat me how I would want my husband to treat me. God gave us a lesson on love and how love should feel and what love should look like and often times we get so caught up in a relationship we forget that. If you are constantly having to wonder if someone loves you or wants to be with you, you are definitely in the wrong relationship. I questioned my morals and I made decisions I otherwise would not have made had I not been in a relationship. i can’t dwell on mistakes, but can only learn that God crossed my path with my ex so that I could see the wrong person and be ready for the right person He is going to send to me. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. God is so good and He will never steer you wrong. Trust in Him and He will always take care of you. So if you are currently in a bad relationship, going through a heartbreak, or feeling like there is no way to move forward, know that in time you will see that God is looking after you. He will not leave you. Continue to pray for guidance, especially in relationships. It is better to have room in your relationship for God so that the Devil doesn’t make way and end it with divorce. Unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way, but now I know. With God, all things will work out in the right timing with the right people.