Can’t Shake The Feeling

Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into this dark  hole and I feel so sad and so… I don’t know. It’s a feeling where I know I should be happy because my life is really good right now. I have some of the greatest people around me, a great supportive family and I know that everything is going to be okay. I can not help but to want to cry though and I just can’t shake the feeling.  I am happy but at the same time sadness is lingering in the back of my mind and my heart aches.  I hate this and I hate that I feel alone and left out. I hate that when I know I should be happy I can’t be. I can be so filled with joy and hope for the future and sometimes, like now, I feel as though I am failing at life, at love, and at being a good person.

The Voices Inside my Head

One thing I struggle with is is the fact that I am a great person, or I feel like I am a great person and girl. Yet, I am not the one being asked to formals, out on dates, or for my phone number. I constantly am getting comments from people saying ” you’re intimidating” or ” you are the whole package so guys are afraid of you.”  This is so frustrating to me to hear all the time. It doesn’t make any sense. I get it the easy girls are going to get the most attention because they are putting out. I understand that not all attention from guys is good attention, but when good, genuine girls are getting asked and have guys on their arms and you continually don’t it truly starts to take a toll on you and makes you think what am I doing wrong? I know that patience is the key. I know that but when you are so frustrated at something it doesn’t help that you constantly see people happy with each other and you can’t help but wonder when your time is. When is your person going to show up? When are you going to stop wasting you time on someone to only find out he is a Fuckboy? The truth is I’m tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of being strong. Tired of feeling like I am not good enough for anyone. Most of all I am tired of people constantly asking me ” Do you have a boyfriend yet?” I am tired of people telling me that when the time is right it will happen. I’m so over waiting. I’m scared that I am going to end up alone when all I’ve ever wanted was to raise a family. I know I am still young. I get that. I just wish that I too could find someone to relate with on another level.  Life isn’t fair. It is the farthest from it an I hate it. I get that one day I will understand why I had to go through all of this. I understand that there is someone out there for me, but today I can’t take the thought of being alone anymore. Today I am weak. Sometimes you need to breakdown to become strong again. I guess that day is today.

Untitled..

It is hard sometimes to look back a realize how much you have been through and in hindsight think of all the things you would have done differently or would have changed. That choice you made to sleep with that guy you knew you shouldn’t have, that “friend” you continued to take back after she back stabbed you a billion times, that ex you allowed to break you down over and over again. It angers me knowing that I let these people get the best of me and for them to take advantage of my kindness and leave me looking like a fool. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be had I not encountered such people or made certain decisions. To that one guy, you know who you are. The one who used his charm to draw me in. You made me believe you “Saw” me the real me and made me believe that you liked me for more reasons than what I had to offer. In all honesty, I can’t blame you. I made the decision to give in to you. I made the choice to make myself vulnerable to you. I can only look back today to that night and all those times you tried to get my attention, especially when I would began to linger away from you and devote my attention to better things. I look back and think how and what if I had decided to be stronger than my hormones what and where would we be? I realize  though that we would more than likely be in the same boat of you randomly contacting me when you want and talking to me when we happen to be at the same place at the same time but never giving me what I deserve. I hope one day you grow up and realize when you have a good girl in front of you. I hope you become a man and stop playing so many women just because you know you can. To the ex that broke me down and broke my heart over and over, Why did I allow you to walk over me? why did I allow you to degrade me, beat me down with your words, and make me feel worthless for anyone to ever want? I thought I knew what love was but that was not love. I think back to everything and realize that I should of got out of that situation so much sooner than I did. You constantly disrespected me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. I gave you everything and you allowed me to be empty while you gave me nothing in return. I can’t say that I regret crossing paths with you because at one point I really did love you and you loved me, but I missed out on so many opportunities and memories because I was all about you. My senior prom, yea some say that is the best night of your life well guess what? you ruined that for me. You allowed me to believe over and over that you wanted to be with me. Not many people stay with their high school sweethearts and I am glad I didn’t. I want to thank you for making me realize just how amazing I am and how much I truly deserve from someone. I deserve so much better than what you had to offer. Thank you for making me realize what I can and can’t do in a relationship. Thank you for making me realize that if someone wants to call you and hang out with you and make time for you they will and if they don’t , they do not have interest in you. Lastly, to the friend who back stabbed me, there isn’t much for me to say to you other than I am glad we grew a part after college. I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends in college and you are not deserving of my friendship. I was there for you and when I needed you you were never there. Our friendship was rocky from the start so I guess I should of known. Overall, in life, you live and you have to realize you go through situations and you cross paths with people for a reason. You are learning a hard lesson that sometimes you wish you could go without learning but in hindsight learning that lesson made you a better and stronger person. I remind myself of this everyday. You lose people to gain better people. You go through situations so that you can realize your worth.

Thoughts…

My whole life I have had a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Trusting them and letting them in before they proved to be worthy of my friendship. I have always had a heart for others, I guess that is why I am becoming a nurse. Many times I have been hurt by people because of the fact that I let people in instead of putting up my guard. Sometimes I wish I was different and that people weren’t so evil and out to take advantage of others. It is very hard to trust people these days because many are selfish and will do anything for personal gain, even if it means throwing you under the bus to get there. It is hard for me to grasp and understand how people can be so hateful and out to hurt others. Sometimes having a good heart has many cons and often times you are left being hurt by those you thought would never doubt you. Loyalty is a very important word in this generation. Often times many are not loyal; in relationships or friendships. Many days I find myself thinking to myself ” why do you do it?” ” why put yourself through this pain?” I wish I knew the answer, but I don’t. No matter how hard I try I will always be the same caring person. It hurts knowing that I ‘ll give way more in this life than I ‘ll ever receive, but you know what I am okay with that. I ma okay with knowing that even though someone has wronged me, I have made someone’s day a better one because of my kindness. I try to be mindful of the battles that people fight everyday that I am unaware of. In my opinion, there is just not enough room in the heart for hate. I ‘ll stay looking for the angel inside of all the demons. I truly believe that looking back on life down the road I will not regret befriending others.

Poetry Chronicles

You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.

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“I was a Museum full of art, but you had your eyes closed.”

I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes  I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen.  I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.

I Don’t know about You, but I’m Feeling Twenty-Blue….

I always wonder why I get involved with these guys that are known for sleeping around. Like in a way I feel bad for them because how can someone possibly be okay with themselves and sleep with countless people? Don’t you ever get tired of not having anything with someone? Do you ever get lonely? Do you even care? I’d like to think that you did care because if you didn’t then you are one heartless person. People say your twenties are the best years of your life, and in a way they really are. You are finding yourself, establishing a career, deciding what you want out of life. You know, really making a name for yourself. What they don’t tell you though is your twenties can be rough. Guys sure as hell don’t know what they want at this age so a committed, long-term relationship is quite rare. All it is is a game to them. Girls are so much more mature than guys, while we are thinking of our future they are waking up next to a different girl every night and sniffing clothes to make sure they are clean enough to wear one more time in a filthy apartment. You can’t really be mad either because that is just the way of life. It is just how it is supposed to be, I guess. On the other hand you have your friends who are in relationships and are starting to settle down. Your twenties are the era of weddings after weddings and when you are single it can turn into a drag. Honestly, I think its a lot harder to be a woman in this society because if we are just held to such different standards.

To Be Cont……

 

“If I fall can you let me down easy?”

In my life, I have only ever had a major crush on 3 people and one of those ended up being my boyfriend the other 2 did not end well. My problem is is once I get feelings for someone, it is hard for me to hold back. I fall head first and fast. So many people tell me to not get my hopes over people without being for sure but it is hard. I give my all immediately hoping that they will do the same. If they show interest in me it is ten times worse because I give myself false hope. Hoping that they too with reciprocate the feelings I have for them. Once I allow myself to catch feelings for someone It is really hard for me to let them go. Especially if I thought something was actually going to happen between the 2 of us. It is hard for me not to be so caring because I have such a huge heart. I always tend to fall for the guys who aren’t worth my time, too. I don’t know why it just always happens. This time, I feel it was the worst because He had everything that I look for in a guy (nice physique, smart, a good career and future, ambition, goals, etc.). I ignored all the warning signs people gave me and allowed my heart to get attached to someone who lives to play girls. I knew from the very beginning to be careful with these types of guys because 9 times out of 10 they are too good to be true. He may have had all those things that I mentioned, but he lacked chivalry, how to treat a lady, how NOT to be a whore, you know all the things that also make you boyfriend material. He is definitely one of those guys that looks for the hot girl at the party who has had a little to drink and works his charm to get her to make out with him and hopefully, in his favor, the bedroom. He does not give a damn about her feelings at all. He may try to act like a friend, but that is just one of the many things to “whoo” her.  Every time this is about to happen I tell myself “don’t you do it, you will be disappointed” and each time that I failed to listen to my gut instinct I get hurt. I think I wanted so badly to get into a relationship so that I could not worry about my ex and how he has moved on in life and I’m still single. I wanted to post pictures with a really hot guy so that people would show him and he would see that I am way better off without him. I know I don’t need a guy to know that I am better off without my ex, but I just didn’t want to be alone. I miss having someone to connect with on that different level than you do with friends. Revenge is not always the best medicine. Sometimes it causes you to get hurt instead of hurting the person you intended to. Lesson learned. I can’t keep allowing myself to be that vulnerable girl that falls too easy. I am working on that. I just need to realize I need to learn to live 100% and be happy with being single and when I least expect it a guy will come along. In a way, I am at this point but I admit I am not there 100% just yet. I know this feeling of hurt will go away soon regarding this new guy and things will return to normal and it will be a thing of the past. I  just don’t want to allow myself to be hurt over someone who isn’t worth it. You live and you learn…

Catching up on this (now, not so) 30 Day Writing Challenge- Something I Struggle With

I believe that everyone struggles with many things and that for sure is true for me as well. One thing though that I would say is really hard for me is looking at the photos of others lives and wishing I was as happy as they are. They seem to look so overly happy in their photos so happy and in love. It is hard sometimes to see people have something that you wish yo had. I know they say that love will come when you least expect it so focus on something else, but this is very hard for me to do. All I want is to love and be loved in return. How others look in their photos isn’t the whole true story and I know that but sometimes yo can’t help but wish that you were in that place again. Whenever I start feeling this way or making myself feel this way for that matter by looking at others lives, it makes me start missing my ex, bleh. I do so well on any other day but days like these I miss it. Having someone who loved me and made me feel wanted. Often others do this too, compare themselves to others, and it only makes us feel bad about ourselves. Even if it’s not the love category maybe it’s how pretty they appear or all the “fun” they have on social media. Everyone has their behind the scenes that aren’t portrayed on social media. If we continue to compare our behind the scenes to others’ highlight reel we will always want to be someone who we are not and never see our own true beauty. I try to remind myself of this and you too must remember that not anyone’s life is as wonderful all the time as it may seem on Instagram or Facebook.