You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.
I have been really pondering lately why I find you so intriguing. Why can’t i seem to shake you? Is it because I see you or hear of you often that you are put on my mind? Is it because I can’t 100% cut you off so you would just be out of sight out of mind? I find it that the harder I try to move past you, the more profound your presence becomes in my life. You will go away for awhile and I’ll start to forget about you, but then you show up somewhere and spark a conversation with me. You will randomly text me, late at night ( for a booty call I’m sure), to put yourself on my mind. Its like guys know exactly when a girl is over them and its then that they start exerting their attention again to keep us around. To keep us close, just not THAT close. You see, the thing is I’m at a point where I don’t know if guys are into me or of they are just trying to keep me around as an option. I wish I really wish I could be more of a bitch because then maybe guys would think twice before trying to use me. The thing that angers me the most is that you KNOW that I am a nice person and wouldn’t ever intentionally hurt anyone. You take advantage of me and know that I will never 100% shake you or turn you away or cut you off or forget you. I’m starting to lose hope. Starting to want to lower my standards because it is so tiring to be this high standard, wifey material woman and get left behind because I am “intimidating” or scare guys away because I’m the serious type. I am to the point of exhaustion where sometimes I contemplate just becoming a person who is easy to obtain or get with. Contemplate lowering my standards and what I want from a man all together. The other part of me screams at myself for ever thinking that any of those things is the answer to the problem. It brings me to tears at how frustrating it is to want something so bad but knowing that when you want it, it will not come. This only makes me more frustrated. When everything you want in a guy is right in front of you and its what you want and you are wishing that for once, just once, a guy would want you at the same time that you want them. I know that things don’t work out for a reason, but not seeing that reason makes me angry. Life makes you go through the test to learn the lesson, but I wish that it was the other way around. Sometimes things go wrong because if they had gone right things would be so much worse. I keep telling myself this. That maybe it was a toxic relationship waiting to happen. I keep finding my self listing your pros and cons and for some reason your cons consist of the fact that you are a fuck boy and literally have no good intentions other than to get into bed with me. I wish that sometimes I knew why I was made the way I am and if my patience is going to be rewarding in the end. Guys keep sleeping on me. They don’t know that what I have to offer is so much more than they see. I can’t wait until the day I look back on this period on my life and realize that everything worked out how they were supposed to and life is the way it is supposed to be.
I always wonder why I get involved with these guys that are known for sleeping around. Like in a way I feel bad for them because how can someone possibly be okay with themselves and sleep with countless people? Don’t you ever get tired of not having anything with someone? Do you ever get lonely? Do you even care? I’d like to think that you did care because if you didn’t then you are one heartless person. People say your twenties are the best years of your life, and in a way they really are. You are finding yourself, establishing a career, deciding what you want out of life. You know, really making a name for yourself. What they don’t tell you though is your twenties can be rough. Guys sure as hell don’t know what they want at this age so a committed, long-term relationship is quite rare. All it is is a game to them. Girls are so much more mature than guys, while we are thinking of our future they are waking up next to a different girl every night and sniffing clothes to make sure they are clean enough to wear one more time in a filthy apartment. You can’t really be mad either because that is just the way of life. It is just how it is supposed to be, I guess. On the other hand you have your friends who are in relationships and are starting to settle down. Your twenties are the era of weddings after weddings and when you are single it can turn into a drag. Honestly, I think its a lot harder to be a woman in this society because if we are just held to such different standards.
To Be Cont……
In my life, I have only ever had a major crush on 3 people and one of those ended up being my boyfriend the other 2 did not end well. My problem is is once I get feelings for someone, it is hard for me to hold back. I fall head first and fast. So many people tell me to not get my hopes over people without being for sure but it is hard. I give my all immediately hoping that they will do the same. If they show interest in me it is ten times worse because I give myself false hope. Hoping that they too with reciprocate the feelings I have for them. Once I allow myself to catch feelings for someone It is really hard for me to let them go. Especially if I thought something was actually going to happen between the 2 of us. It is hard for me not to be so caring because I have such a huge heart. I always tend to fall for the guys who aren’t worth my time, too. I don’t know why it just always happens. This time, I feel it was the worst because He had everything that I look for in a guy (nice physique, smart, a good career and future, ambition, goals, etc.). I ignored all the warning signs people gave me and allowed my heart to get attached to someone who lives to play girls. I knew from the very beginning to be careful with these types of guys because 9 times out of 10 they are too good to be true. He may have had all those things that I mentioned, but he lacked chivalry, how to treat a lady, how NOT to be a whore, you know all the things that also make you boyfriend material. He is definitely one of those guys that looks for the hot girl at the party who has had a little to drink and works his charm to get her to make out with him and hopefully, in his favor, the bedroom. He does not give a damn about her feelings at all. He may try to act like a friend, but that is just one of the many things to “whoo” her. Every time this is about to happen I tell myself “don’t you do it, you will be disappointed” and each time that I failed to listen to my gut instinct I get hurt. I think I wanted so badly to get into a relationship so that I could not worry about my ex and how he has moved on in life and I’m still single. I wanted to post pictures with a really hot guy so that people would show him and he would see that I am way better off without him. I know I don’t need a guy to know that I am better off without my ex, but I just didn’t want to be alone. I miss having someone to connect with on that different level than you do with friends. Revenge is not always the best medicine. Sometimes it causes you to get hurt instead of hurting the person you intended to. Lesson learned. I can’t keep allowing myself to be that vulnerable girl that falls too easy. I am working on that. I just need to realize I need to learn to live 100% and be happy with being single and when I least expect it a guy will come along. In a way, I am at this point but I admit I am not there 100% just yet. I know this feeling of hurt will go away soon regarding this new guy and things will return to normal and it will be a thing of the past. I just don’t want to allow myself to be hurt over someone who isn’t worth it. You live and you learn…
To be a girl with high standards and morals, like myself, in this generation is extremely difficult. The sad thing is you can not blame just one sex for this either. On one hand, you have girls who will do anything, say anything, and give into anything if it means she doesn’t have to be alone. I have seen time and time again, girls give guys the benefits before they actually perform the work. They then wonder why the guy will not respect them or treat them right. You then have some guys who think every girl is easy and that at the snap of their fingers a girl will climb in bed with them and that, quite frankly, is the saddest thing. The there are girls who have standards and morals who get pushed to the side because like why would a guy want to work for something they can easily get from the next girl who is willing to put out? It is a neverending cycle. You can not put all the blame on the guys either. You have these good, genuine guys who really want a good loyal girl, but they get played by a girl and that makes them change their ways and become like the guy that I described above. Drake describes the males and females of this generation in his song, Doing It Wrong, perfectly ” We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together, but we sure make it feel like we’re together.” In this day and age, we have invented a stage called “talking” and it basically is a time where you “get to know” each other and decide if they are potentially what you want to pursue. Often times though individuals, girl or guy, will string someone along without any intention of moving forward with them, all the while they are entertain others. This, in my opinion, is a waste of time and is so very wrong. My thing is, is if you don’t want to move forward with someone, LET THEM KNOW. Don’t just lead them on or worse don’t just disappear out of nowhere with no explanation what so ever. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Like dang, I don’t even deserve an explanation at the least? For all of these reasons, I am single. I choose to not allow myself to lower my standards so that a guy will want to be with me. In my mind, it doesn’t and shouldn’t work that way. A guy would and should work for something he wants. Sometimes, I become very frustrated at the patience I must endure waiting for the right guy. Girls should want date someone they see potential in and with. Why waste time being with someone when you know you are with them just because you don’t want to be alone? Like, just no. This generation is so caught up in things like “Netflix and Chill” they don’t want morals to get in their way. It’s hard to be a girl with morals and standards in a generation filled with individuals who could care less what their reputation looks like. I know not everyone is like that, but the ones who are, they are the ones ruining it for the rest of us. I will patiently wait for the right one. I know what I deserve and I refuse to settle for anything less. You should too.
I believe that everyone struggles with many things and that for sure is true for me as well. One thing though that I would say is really hard for me is looking at the photos of others lives and wishing I was as happy as they are. They seem to look so overly happy in their photos so happy and in love. It is hard sometimes to see people have something that you wish yo had. I know they say that love will come when you least expect it so focus on something else, but this is very hard for me to do. All I want is to love and be loved in return. How others look in their photos isn’t the whole true story and I know that but sometimes yo can’t help but wish that you were in that place again. Whenever I start feeling this way or making myself feel this way for that matter by looking at others lives, it makes me start missing my ex, bleh. I do so well on any other day but days like these I miss it. Having someone who loved me and made me feel wanted. Often others do this too, compare themselves to others, and it only makes us feel bad about ourselves. Even if it’s not the love category maybe it’s how pretty they appear or all the “fun” they have on social media. Everyone has their behind the scenes that aren’t portrayed on social media. If we continue to compare our behind the scenes to others’ highlight reel we will always want to be someone who we are not and never see our own true beauty. I try to remind myself of this and you too must remember that not anyone’s life is as wonderful all the time as it may seem on Instagram or Facebook.
If I was ever given the chance to talk to my ex again, I’d first start by apologizing. Not because I think the ending of the relationship was all my fault but that I now realize that there were some things that I could have changed to have been a better girlfriend. I’d also apologize for bad mouthing him during the process of healing. My ex-boyfriend was by no means perfect and he didn’t treat me as he should have, but he was not horrible either. I did have some great memories with him as well. I’d apologize for all the things I said in anger and the things I said during fights to put him down. I regret that so much.
Another thing I would tell him was that even though I am over him and don’t think I’d ever date him again, I miss him so much. I miss him as a person, as my best friend. Before we dated we were SUCH great friends. We would spend so much time together and he would make me laugh for hours. He was so sweet and despite our differences in the relationship he was a really great friend. I miss that friendship so much. Having a guy’s perspective on things and being comfortable with telling him anything and everything. I miss Friday nights after football games where the football players and the cheerleaders would go for pizza and hang out. It was the best of times.
If given the chance I would tell him to keep his head up and stay motivated because he could seriously do anything he put his mind to and it would be a shame to have that ambition wasted. I would tell him to not be discouraged by the world who constantly tells young adults they will amount to nothing if they don’t conform to the mold society cut out for us. I would make sure he knew that I hope he was doing well and continues to do so. I’d hope he would know that no matter what he would always have a place in my heart as my first love, my first everything. You just can’t forget those, even if you try. Lastly, I would let him know that despite everything that has gone on between us in the past if he EVER needed someone, a friend, I’d be there for him as best I could. We went through a lot of things as a couple and we stuck by each others sides. Differences pulled us apart, but I really do hope that one day we can be at least friends again.
I’d let him know that he is always in my prayers and that I wish nothing but the Best for him.
Man reading is one of the things I really enjoy doing. To escape into a lovely story. To become a character and be in “their” world. It’s one of my all time favorites. Unfortunately, since I started college I have not been able to read as much as I like, but I hope to pick reading back up soon. As for a favorite book, that is such a hard question. There have been so many books that have changed my life and way of thinking. It is so hard to choose just one. My favorite genre of books includes: mystery novels, thrillers, crime stories, and love stories. Any type of fiction book within these is sure to entice me and pull me in. Usually when I get into a book I really love I am set for the night, not wanting to put it down. I will read a whole book in one night if I allow myself. One book I love that I will name is the Bible. Obviously because this book is the instruction to our life and the healing to our pain. The answer to our questions and doubts. F. Scott Fitzgerald and Steven King are a few authors I find myself reading the most.
Something I am passionate about would have to be helping others. Like I said in yesterday’s post, there really is nothing better than seeing the smile on someone’s face after you have done something nice for them or helped them out. I feel that ever since I was younger I have always had a servant’s heart. I always want to help someone out and I never expect anything in return. Sometimes I find that it really lets me down when I can’t help someone in need. In situations that I have been through it only makes me want to help the person even more. “Measuring life by what others do for us may disappoint, but measuring life by what we do for others will add more meaning to our lives.” The human race is a race that will let you down left and right. Not everyone will want to do as much for you as you for them and focusing on this can cause you lose happiness. Instead, do for others as much as you can. Helping others can add happiness to your life. Not only will helping others make you happier it will also leave an impact on the world. This is something I want to do. I hope to be remembered by someone who always put others before myself. I strive to be selfless instead of selfish. Sometimes it can be hard to do but I try. I’ll leave with this quote-