Untitled..

It is hard sometimes to look back a realize how much you have been through and in hindsight think of all the things you would have done differently or would have changed. That choice you made to sleep with that guy you knew you shouldn’t have, that “friend” you continued to take back after she back stabbed you a billion times, that ex you allowed to break you down over and over again. It angers me knowing that I let these people get the best of me and for them to take advantage of my kindness and leave me looking like a fool. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be had I not encountered such people or made certain decisions. To that one guy, you know who you are. The one who used his charm to draw me in. You made me believe you “Saw” me the real me and made me believe that you liked me for more reasons than what I had to offer. In all honesty, I can’t blame you. I made the decision to give in to you. I made the choice to make myself vulnerable to you. I can only look back today to that night and all those times you tried to get my attention, especially when I would began to linger away from you and devote my attention to better things. I look back and think how and what if I had decided to be stronger than my hormones what and where would we be? I realize  though that we would more than likely be in the same boat of you randomly contacting me when you want and talking to me when we happen to be at the same place at the same time but never giving me what I deserve. I hope one day you grow up and realize when you have a good girl in front of you. I hope you become a man and stop playing so many women just because you know you can. To the ex that broke me down and broke my heart over and over, Why did I allow you to walk over me? why did I allow you to degrade me, beat me down with your words, and make me feel worthless for anyone to ever want? I thought I knew what love was but that was not love. I think back to everything and realize that I should of got out of that situation so much sooner than I did. You constantly disrespected me and didn’t give a shit about my feelings. I gave you everything and you allowed me to be empty while you gave me nothing in return. I can’t say that I regret crossing paths with you because at one point I really did love you and you loved me, but I missed out on so many opportunities and memories because I was all about you. My senior prom, yea some say that is the best night of your life well guess what? you ruined that for me. You allowed me to believe over and over that you wanted to be with me. Not many people stay with their high school sweethearts and I am glad I didn’t. I want to thank you for making me realize just how amazing I am and how much I truly deserve from someone. I deserve so much better than what you had to offer. Thank you for making me realize what I can and can’t do in a relationship. Thank you for making me realize that if someone wants to call you and hang out with you and make time for you they will and if they don’t , they do not have interest in you. Lastly, to the friend who back stabbed me, there isn’t much for me to say to you other than I am glad we grew a part after college. I am so blessed with so many wonderful friends in college and you are not deserving of my friendship. I was there for you and when I needed you you were never there. Our friendship was rocky from the start so I guess I should of known. Overall, in life, you live and you have to realize you go through situations and you cross paths with people for a reason. You are learning a hard lesson that sometimes you wish you could go without learning but in hindsight learning that lesson made you a better and stronger person. I remind myself of this everyday. You lose people to gain better people. You go through situations so that you can realize your worth.

Poetry Chronicles

You’re dark eyes burn 2 holes into my soul. Are you looking at me or are you looking through me? Are you pretending not to care? Tell me. Tell me, what was your goal? To use me, abuse me, lure me in and seduce me? Are you aware? Do you care? Why did I let you in knowing damn well you’d be this way? There must be an empty space where your heart should be. For you to use someone like you used me.

“One of the Hardest Things to do in Life, is Having to Let go of what you Thought was Real.”

I know what it is like to be head over heels in love for someone.I know what it is like to be so in love for someone you forget what it’s like to be yourself. I what it’s like knowing you would do anything, be anything just at the thought of making that person happy. When I was younger, I ALWAYS told myself I would NEVER let a guy cause me tears. That all changes when you find your first love. You feel as if they are the only person in the world that could ever make you happy. Every young girl thinks they will forever remain with this guy that is many, many times just a chapter in their book of life. Often times what you don’t realize is one day, you are going to wake up and things will be different.They won’t look at you the same. They won’t love you the same. They won’t act the same.They won’t be interested anymore. Things will become different. No matter how bad you want to believe that things aren’t different or how many times you want to lie to yourself to make yourself stay, things aren’t going to get any better. I know everyone must go through a heartbreak at one point in life or another, but it is nothing like experiencing it for yourself. Going through a heartbreak is like literal physical pain, it hurts. It hurts. Every day you just want to return back to the person you were pre-relationship and no matter what anyone tells you nothing seems to make the pain subside. I seriously don’t wish a heartbreak on my worst enemy. Now that my heart is healing and it doesn’t hurt to hear his name or see his face anymore. It feels good to know that I find myself realizing I haven’t thought about him once in months, that is a sign that it has passed and I am moving on and it feels so great. Now that I know what it feels like to be broken I try my hardest to help those experiencing it. I try to let them know that in time all wounds will be healed. I know that no words help, but I just want them to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I am out of the relationship I can now see how unhealthy it was for me. Even though he never physically hurt me he hurt me in so many other ways. He did not treat me how I should have been treated and He definitely did not treat me how I would want my husband to treat me. God gave us a lesson on love and how love should feel and what love should look like and often times we get so caught up in a relationship we forget that. If you are constantly having to wonder if someone loves you or wants to be with you, you are definitely in the wrong relationship. I questioned my morals and I made decisions I otherwise would not have made had I not been in a relationship. i can’t dwell on mistakes, but can only learn that God crossed my path with my ex so that I could see the wrong person and be ready for the right person He is going to send to me. I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. God is so good and He will never steer you wrong. Trust in Him and He will always take care of you. So if you are currently in a bad relationship, going through a heartbreak, or feeling like there is no way to move forward, know that in time you will see that God is looking after you. He will not leave you. Continue to pray for guidance, especially in relationships. It is better to have room in your relationship for God so that the Devil doesn’t make way and end it with divorce. Unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way, but now I know. With God, all things will work out in the right timing with the right people.